Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
