Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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