just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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