fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
