Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
