I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
