had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
