i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
