It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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