Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
