I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
