i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
