Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
