i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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