I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
