Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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