having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
