im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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