I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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