guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
