i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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