why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
