lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
