last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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