I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
