I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
