i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
