Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
