I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
