What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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