I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
