I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
