I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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