Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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