Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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