Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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