I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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