I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
