the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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