I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My vagina is officially offended.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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