I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
