It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
