I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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