I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
