If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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