"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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