Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
wanna go halves on a baby?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
