When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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