I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
