im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize