yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
