Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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