K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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