I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
