i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
