If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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